Day is done.

Do you ever get that dreaded feeling that you don't want to go to bed, because if you do it just means the next time you open your eyes it will be to a new day where you already don't have the energy to face it? I realize the illogicality of that idea. Stay up later because you know you'll be tired. I just dread going to sleep, knowing all that waits me is another day like today.

And here's the kicker. Today was fine. Kids both slept through the night last night, minus both of them around 1:30 waking up and needing about two to five minutes of comfort each. Promise had a nap before heading out for playgroup. The sun was shining. She had another two hour nap this afternoon.

Nothing about the day should've made it so bad. But it was. I fought and I fought and I fought some more with a two and a half year old who has the nerve to tell me "no." Who doesn't clean up toys at all anymore, which is especially tough since he used to be so good at it. Who throws things and tantrums and my patience out the window. Who won't listen to me and then when I punish him with a spanking makes me feel like the worst mom on the planet with the tears in his eyes and just wanting a hug from his mommy who just gave him a spanking. It hurts my heart.

And my own psychological issues to deal with on top of the mommy problems. With weight and eating and vowing to have a healthy day and turn around later to eat more cookies than I dare write down. Ugh. I'd say "tomorrow is a new day" but that's bull-you-know-what because every day is a new day and I continue to make these same mistakes. Disgusting is what it is. I'm disgusted at myself.

And meanwhile I know I should just pull it together. There are families dealing with actual problems, not just normal toddler behaviours and a mommy with a dysfunctional relationship with food. Families whose hearts are breaking because they've lost their child. Families who are out of money and work and stuck in a hard spot. People without families, who go to sleep at night alone and crying, wishing for what I have. Why do I feel so frustrated and challenged when my problems are because of blessings in my life?

It's way past my bedtime. I'm exhausted and even though I have no answers to my questions, I know for certain tomorrow will not be any easier on less sleep.