My dear son,
Today I was so proud to be your momma.
You've been a little guy ever since you were born. It's something our midwives were concerned about, so before our time with them was up at six weeks after you were born, they referred us to a pediatrician in town.
You love Dr. Ebesh. You smile and coo at him, even when you're practically naked and he's prodding and poking to see how you're growing. We've visited him about once a month since February. Our first visit to him, your weight was up and he didn't think we needed to worry anymore. But after a subsequent appointment to see if you had a lazy eye, Dr. Ebesh noticed your weight was not what it should be.
You've gained little by little, and ounce by ounce we celebrate. You've also had a few times where you've lost weight, and a couple months where you basically didn't gain anything.
So we keep going back to Dr. Ebesh. Finally he decided to get some tests done. You had to get blood taken and your momma, a weakling when it comes to physical stuff, balled her eyes out in the waiting room. I couldn't bear the thought of my little one with a tourniquet around his arm and a needle stealing his blood.
Tests came back showing you had low B12 and higher acid levels in your urine. B12 deficiency is usually a sign that mom is low, but I got a blood test and it turns out I'm fine. Dr. Ebesh wasn't sure how to interpret the results and sent us to BC Children's Hospital.
We had our appointment this last Monday. You were a charmer to all the nurses there, and the doctor told us she read your charts before meeting you and thought you would look a lot different than the healthy-looking, happy baby boy before her. But she didn't really have answers either, so it was back for another round of urine and blood tests.
So this morning we went to get your blood taken again. We tried to go yesterday, but the regular lab in town said they didn't do those test. Then the lab at the hospital said they weren't sure what one of the tests even was, and then they told us you had to fast for six hours before taking your blood. I tried nursing you at about 1 a.m. so that you wouldn't wake up hungry. Unfortunately you nursed and then promptly spit most of it back up again, so you woke up hungry around 4 a.m. and wouldn't fall back asleep. You finally slept in my arms for about 30 minutes, but that was it.
The clinic opened at 7:30 and we were there, nervous and tired and upset that we were back again. Plus, they had told us they'd have to take a lot of blood this time for the number of tests that were ordered, and we had been told they might have to draw it from a few different parts of your body.
Luckily, they only had to give you one poke in your arm. You laid on the bed while Daddy held you, a nurse held your arm steady and another took I think four vials of blood from you. After the initial pain of the needle going in, you were so good. You just cried a little, then we distracted you with Sophie and then a little rattle with a bell. You shook that rattle, smiling and even giggling at us, shaking your head back and forth in happiness until it was all done.
Here you were, a baby who was very hungry, definitely sleep-deprived, thrown out of his routine, in a strange place with strange people getting blood taken, and you smiled. Wow, what an amazing little guy. I love you so much, and was just so proud of you today and how you took it all in stride. To top it off, you've had good naps today and needed hardly any encouragement from us to sleep. Good job baby, you might not be big, but you sure are growing up!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Albatross
This is a big year for me. New mommy, 10 years of marriage, turning 30, unemployed. All sorts of new things for me. And some days I feel like I'm not sure I can handle it. Especially when my baby is sick with something or other (we think teething, but maybe a cold or ear infection though the doctor at the clinic said it wasn't). He cried so much today, and every nap was a struggle. I think I shhhd part of my brains out today, I definitely feel stupider than when I woke up this morning. And he was up so many times last night, he's obviously not feeling well. Ugghhh, sick babies suck.
But I'm optimistic still, because whatever he's going through, it will get better. And even though I'm almost 30 now, I don't feel any older. Some days I still feel like I'm 16, other days I feel like I'm 50. But I don't think it's in relation to my actual age, more like what I'm going through that day and how I react to the situations I find myself in. And 10 year of marriage is awesome, I'm so proud of us.
There's just one thing really dragging me down now, and if I could just get that done I know the rest of my life is going to look brighter. I hate that whatever I want to do - whether it's crafts for my walls, projects for my baby, home reno's, watching a movie, reading a book, and yes, even typing on this blog – I always feel guilty and like I should be writing POC instead. It is an albatross around my neck, one that I cannot set aside while I do other things. But when I sit down to write, I am paralyzed, I cannot think of words to string into sentences into paragraphs into stories. And so I sit and stare at the computer. And meanwhile I avoid doing other things because I feel like I should be writing, always I should be writing. So I don't do crafts, I don't scrapbook, I don't socialize with other moms, I don't watch movies or read books or clean the house. I mean, I guess I do all these things a little bit here and there, but not nearly the life I want to be living right now. I don't jump into anything else for fear that I should be writing. And I am so ashamed of myself, ashamed for not being able to finish what I started. It was a big risk to do POC, and it feels like it will never get done. I hate our meetings at the office, it's hard to see everyone and think of what they're thinking about me. Even if they're not really thinking what I think they're thinking.
Whew. That all kind of came out of me like bad take-out. Therapeutic indeed.
But I'm optimistic still, because whatever he's going through, it will get better. And even though I'm almost 30 now, I don't feel any older. Some days I still feel like I'm 16, other days I feel like I'm 50. But I don't think it's in relation to my actual age, more like what I'm going through that day and how I react to the situations I find myself in. And 10 year of marriage is awesome, I'm so proud of us.
There's just one thing really dragging me down now, and if I could just get that done I know the rest of my life is going to look brighter. I hate that whatever I want to do - whether it's crafts for my walls, projects for my baby, home reno's, watching a movie, reading a book, and yes, even typing on this blog – I always feel guilty and like I should be writing POC instead. It is an albatross around my neck, one that I cannot set aside while I do other things. But when I sit down to write, I am paralyzed, I cannot think of words to string into sentences into paragraphs into stories. And so I sit and stare at the computer. And meanwhile I avoid doing other things because I feel like I should be writing, always I should be writing. So I don't do crafts, I don't scrapbook, I don't socialize with other moms, I don't watch movies or read books or clean the house. I mean, I guess I do all these things a little bit here and there, but not nearly the life I want to be living right now. I don't jump into anything else for fear that I should be writing. And I am so ashamed of myself, ashamed for not being able to finish what I started. It was a big risk to do POC, and it feels like it will never get done. I hate our meetings at the office, it's hard to see everyone and think of what they're thinking about me. Even if they're not really thinking what I think they're thinking.
Whew. That all kind of came out of me like bad take-out. Therapeutic indeed.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Happiness is . . .
# 993: Angel food cake, strawberries, ice cream and a good visit with an old friend.
#992: Craft ideas I actually think I could do
#991: A perfect cup of coffee in my wonderful new KHC mug
#990: A sleeping baby after a long early morning
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Late night ritual
Have I mentioned how much I love nursing at night? Still it is one of my favourite daily rituals with my little one. I mourn the days these will end even if the trade-off will be a full night's rest.
I love cuddling your heavy, sleeping body as I carry you back to your room. I love the sweet and steady rhythm of your breathing as you snuggle into my body, fitting into crevices and crook of arm with the ease of a baby totally secure.
I love when I put you down on the change table, you stretch out and open your eyes. And always you smile. You go from warm comforting arms to the top of the crinkly change table and yet you smile. You're glad to see I'm here and you love our change table times, all wiggles and smiles and grabbing at your legs and feet.
I love when I pick you up from the change table, ready to place you back in your crib. You smile that big sunshine-face smile, the one that is irresistible and dimpled and you just want to keep in your heart forever smile. That one. It's a most sought-after smile and it's given freely from my babe. You cuddle back into my body, this time with your head propped up, alert and looking to make sure your room is still the same. You whip your head to look at your mobile, then back over my shoulder at your walls, your closet, your door.
I love when I put you down into your crib. You look up at me with the smile of a trusting baby. Your belly full, diaper clean, cuddles cuddled and love lavished. I tell you, as I always do when I leave the room, 'Goodnight Isaac'. You happily kick your feet as I leave.
I peek in. After you kick for a few minutes, in the middle of the night falling back asleep is not some mantra of 'shhing' and mobile music and hand-on-the-chest as it often is in the evenings or naptime. No – wooing sleep is as easy as a few minutes of kicking followed by playing with your hands as you stare off into space. Then you simply close your eyes and go back to sleep. Love it. So peaceful for you and us.
I love falling back into bed, satisfied that I've done a good job with my baby. There are many moments during the day when I feel like I could or should do more as a mom. But late night feeds? These times will never be one of those moments.
As in all things baby, change happens more than staying-the-same does. A couple days after I wrote this post but before I published it, Isaac started staying awake to the end of his nursing in the night. Different but still good, Isaac watches me as we walk down the hall to his room. And how can I not love that?
I love cuddling your heavy, sleeping body as I carry you back to your room. I love the sweet and steady rhythm of your breathing as you snuggle into my body, fitting into crevices and crook of arm with the ease of a baby totally secure.
I love when I put you down on the change table, you stretch out and open your eyes. And always you smile. You go from warm comforting arms to the top of the crinkly change table and yet you smile. You're glad to see I'm here and you love our change table times, all wiggles and smiles and grabbing at your legs and feet.
I love when I pick you up from the change table, ready to place you back in your crib. You smile that big sunshine-face smile, the one that is irresistible and dimpled and you just want to keep in your heart forever smile. That one. It's a most sought-after smile and it's given freely from my babe. You cuddle back into my body, this time with your head propped up, alert and looking to make sure your room is still the same. You whip your head to look at your mobile, then back over my shoulder at your walls, your closet, your door.
I love when I put you down into your crib. You look up at me with the smile of a trusting baby. Your belly full, diaper clean, cuddles cuddled and love lavished. I tell you, as I always do when I leave the room, 'Goodnight Isaac'. You happily kick your feet as I leave.
I peek in. After you kick for a few minutes, in the middle of the night falling back asleep is not some mantra of 'shhing' and mobile music and hand-on-the-chest as it often is in the evenings or naptime. No – wooing sleep is as easy as a few minutes of kicking followed by playing with your hands as you stare off into space. Then you simply close your eyes and go back to sleep. Love it. So peaceful for you and us.
I love falling back into bed, satisfied that I've done a good job with my baby. There are many moments during the day when I feel like I could or should do more as a mom. But late night feeds? These times will never be one of those moments.
As in all things baby, change happens more than staying-the-same does. A couple days after I wrote this post but before I published it, Isaac started staying awake to the end of his nursing in the night. Different but still good, Isaac watches me as we walk down the hall to his room. And how can I not love that?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Crazy kid
Dear Isaac,
You are turning into such a crazy kid now - and we love it!!
You learned maybe yesterday or the day before how to stick your tongue out a little and blow spit everywhere. It makes quite the sound and you love to hear yourself make that sound over and over again when you're happy. You get a kick out of Daddy and I mimicking you, making loud 'pphhhbbbffshhh' type sounds as we sprinkle spit into the air. It's not pretty, but it sure is fun.
You have taken quite a shine to Daddy lately. He can barely be in the room with you and me when you're nursing because you get quite distracted by him. You almost always smile real big as soon as you see Daddy walk in the room and he can make you laugh like nobody's business. I make funny noises and you just look at me like I'm a lunatic. Daddy makes funny sounds and you are squealing with laughter before you know it.
Tonight I just peeked in on you to see if you'd fallen asleep yet. You are laying on your side again. You are doing that more and more, sometimes rolling from your back to your side to play with your hands or the little stuffed cow in your crib before rolling back again to sleep. But a few times we've caught you sleeping that way and I think it's adorable. It's nice that you can get a little more comfy the way you want to as you fall asleep instead of how we have placed you in your crib.
In fact, you're becoming quite the little athlete in your crib. We always place you with your head under your mobile. Quite often when we check back in on you, you've turned 90 degrees or even 180 degrees so your head is where your feet were! The weirdest thing is Daddy and I never see you move, we just see you in a new position. Very tricksy!
You're growing up before our eyes, and we are loving every moment of it. We can see you changing, becoming so much more aware and interested in the world around you. This week you also discovered our shiny gold-coloured front door handle and lock, and are constantly looking at it when we're near the entrance. You reach out for a lot more, including hot beverages in our hands which meant Mommy saying goodbye to our peaceful mornings of me holding you in my arms, reading you the paper while I had my cup of coffee. But that's OK, I'm working on getting you to enjoy your jumperoo more so I can have time for a cup in the morning to get me energized to play with you all day!
Sleep is still an issue with you, but we're working on it. You wake up a couple times a night to nurse still, and as previously mentioned you don't always want to fall back asleep again after the early morning feed (which you wake up for anywhere from 4 to 5:30 a.m.). You always have a morning nap and an afternoon nap and quite often an early evening nap too. When you have good, long naps you are such a happy baby, so alert and ready to play when you wake up. It's worth protecting and fighting for your naps!
Well baby, I know you're going to be up again in a couple hours so I have to get to bed now too.
Love so much,
Momma
You are turning into such a crazy kid now - and we love it!!
You learned maybe yesterday or the day before how to stick your tongue out a little and blow spit everywhere. It makes quite the sound and you love to hear yourself make that sound over and over again when you're happy. You get a kick out of Daddy and I mimicking you, making loud 'pphhhbbbffshhh' type sounds as we sprinkle spit into the air. It's not pretty, but it sure is fun.
You have taken quite a shine to Daddy lately. He can barely be in the room with you and me when you're nursing because you get quite distracted by him. You almost always smile real big as soon as you see Daddy walk in the room and he can make you laugh like nobody's business. I make funny noises and you just look at me like I'm a lunatic. Daddy makes funny sounds and you are squealing with laughter before you know it.
Tonight I just peeked in on you to see if you'd fallen asleep yet. You are laying on your side again. You are doing that more and more, sometimes rolling from your back to your side to play with your hands or the little stuffed cow in your crib before rolling back again to sleep. But a few times we've caught you sleeping that way and I think it's adorable. It's nice that you can get a little more comfy the way you want to as you fall asleep instead of how we have placed you in your crib.
In fact, you're becoming quite the little athlete in your crib. We always place you with your head under your mobile. Quite often when we check back in on you, you've turned 90 degrees or even 180 degrees so your head is where your feet were! The weirdest thing is Daddy and I never see you move, we just see you in a new position. Very tricksy!
You're growing up before our eyes, and we are loving every moment of it. We can see you changing, becoming so much more aware and interested in the world around you. This week you also discovered our shiny gold-coloured front door handle and lock, and are constantly looking at it when we're near the entrance. You reach out for a lot more, including hot beverages in our hands which meant Mommy saying goodbye to our peaceful mornings of me holding you in my arms, reading you the paper while I had my cup of coffee. But that's OK, I'm working on getting you to enjoy your jumperoo more so I can have time for a cup in the morning to get me energized to play with you all day!
Sleep is still an issue with you, but we're working on it. You wake up a couple times a night to nurse still, and as previously mentioned you don't always want to fall back asleep again after the early morning feed (which you wake up for anywhere from 4 to 5:30 a.m.). You always have a morning nap and an afternoon nap and quite often an early evening nap too. When you have good, long naps you are such a happy baby, so alert and ready to play when you wake up. It's worth protecting and fighting for your naps!
Well baby, I know you're going to be up again in a couple hours so I have to get to bed now too.
Love so much,
Momma
Monday, June 6, 2011
Road Trip Day #3 contd.
After disc golf, we headed into Banff for dinner. I stayed in the car to nurse Isaac and everyone else had appies and waited for me. We brought Isaac's bumbo into the Chili's and some dinner for him too.
While we waited for our orders, Justin fed Isaac dinner. Everyone enjoyed watching him eat! I love how much joy our son brings others, and it is so special to share him with family. Bryan loves Isaac and was happy to watch him and wanted to hold his hand and interpret his squawks for us. Bryan is turning into such a big kid, it's hard to believe he's almost 7. He was fun to hang out with, he has interesting things to say and he is so full of life!
Dinner was amazing. Not only was the food delicious and the company so nice, the atmosphere and service was great too. And Isaac did SO well for his first time in a restaurant! He pretty much spent all of dinner just looking around at us and the restaurant busy-ness and entertained himself with a washcloth and his hands. Yay! That made the idea of going out to dinner a lot more realistic after such a great experience. And this is after a long day of traveling, being in the stroller, not getting regular eating or napping intervals and just generally being out of sorts.
After a super delicious dessert (we shared a piece of cheesecake, Dave and Cheryl shared a lava chocolate yummy looking dessert and Bryan had ice cream) we headed over to the campground.
Uh, Mom, who is this crazy dude??!!
Aww, just kidding Mom, my Uncle David is so cool, I love hanging out with him!
Dave and Cheryl had camped in Banff the night before and already had a site at Tunnel Mountain. They set up the tent with Justin and we got settled in pretty quickly. Isaac had a tough time falling asleep - it was 9:30 p.m. and it was still very light out. And you can't exactly block out light inside a tent! But he finally fell asleep after I think 40 minutes. We relaxed at the picnic table for a little bit, eating junk food and visiting. I really enjoyed that part of the evening. When Isaac woke up crying again everyone turned in for the night.
While we waited for our orders, Justin fed Isaac dinner. Everyone enjoyed watching him eat! I love how much joy our son brings others, and it is so special to share him with family. Bryan loves Isaac and was happy to watch him and wanted to hold his hand and interpret his squawks for us. Bryan is turning into such a big kid, it's hard to believe he's almost 7. He was fun to hang out with, he has interesting things to say and he is so full of life!
Dinner was amazing. Not only was the food delicious and the company so nice, the atmosphere and service was great too. And Isaac did SO well for his first time in a restaurant! He pretty much spent all of dinner just looking around at us and the restaurant busy-ness and entertained himself with a washcloth and his hands. Yay! That made the idea of going out to dinner a lot more realistic after such a great experience. And this is after a long day of traveling, being in the stroller, not getting regular eating or napping intervals and just generally being out of sorts.
After a super delicious dessert (we shared a piece of cheesecake, Dave and Cheryl shared a lava chocolate yummy looking dessert and Bryan had ice cream) we headed over to the campground.
Uh, Mom, who is this crazy dude??!!
Aww, just kidding Mom, my Uncle David is so cool, I love hanging out with him!
Dave and Cheryl had camped in Banff the night before and already had a site at Tunnel Mountain. They set up the tent with Justin and we got settled in pretty quickly. Isaac had a tough time falling asleep - it was 9:30 p.m. and it was still very light out. And you can't exactly block out light inside a tent! But he finally fell asleep after I think 40 minutes. We relaxed at the picnic table for a little bit, eating junk food and visiting. I really enjoyed that part of the evening. When Isaac woke up crying again everyone turned in for the night.
Disc golf
We found that road trips involve diaper changes in all sorts of unusual places. Here, Justin changes Isaac in the back seat of our car while it rains outside. And we're such good parents, we give Isaac a sock to play with while he gets changed.
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