On being a mom

Happy Mother's Day to me!

Last Mother's Day, it was a beautiful sunny Spring day and we decided to take a picnic up to Hicks Lake. That was the plan for this Mother's Day too but it's supposed to rain so Justin is going to make me a picnic lunch to eat in front of our fireplace instead. The important thing is I've got my hubby and my baby to share it with, so the location is not so important as the company.

Reflecting on being a mommy for almost the last six months (in one week - wow!), I have found motherhood to be both the most natural thing in the world and the hardest thing at the same time. Now that I'm a mom, I feel like it was what I was born to do. I can't imagine my life without Isaac and I love cuddling him, nursing him, making him smile and laugh and watching as he learns new things. I even love diaper changes as he is always happy on the change table and we can get smiles even when he's otherwise grumpy.

And I love watching as he grows and learns and changes. It gives me a deep and quiet satisfaction, knowing that is my son and one day he'll be a man and I got to be a part of his life.

But being a mommy is so hard too. For one thing, a part of my heart is beating in another body now. And the part of my heart that's left feels raw and exposed. So much emotion it's hard not to cry every day. Most of the time I want to cry for joy, at the sheer amazement that this is my child and I am so in love with him. Sometimes I cry because I'm scared that I'm not doing enough, not raising him the best I can. Sometimes I cry because it's so hard when he's not sleeping and I'm so tired and I can't figure out how to make everything better. So yeah, lots of tears and lots of almost-crying moments.

It's like all of my emotions are in overdrive. Like they're heightened. I suspect this is what drugs does to people, just makes everything brighter, more intense. That's the right word. All my emotions are more intense now. I like it and am scared of it at the same time.

Growing up, I never thought I would become a mom. Now, I can't imagine my life any other way. I love it, and am glad I get to celebrate being a mom on this special day. Thanks Isaac, for being my son. Thanks Justin, for giving me the best gift ever. I love both of you with a passion and intensity that knows no bounds.

Happy Mother's Day to me!