Craziness descends on the J-Lo homestead.
So, I've been tinkering with the idea of starting up my blog again. Note the two posts below written before I let anyone know I was writing in this space again. But now that I'm pregnant, I feel like there's all sorts of things I might like to write about that Facebook updates just can't fulfill for me. Plus, with family and some friends living elsewhere, this space will work as a nice forum for updates to the people I care about but can't just go for coffee with anytime.
We're expecting. Total change of heart for me. Probably needs some explanation.
Where do I begin?
At the beginning, I suppose.
I really never did want children. They are noisy and time-sucking and oh-so-much-work. The responsibility of having another human being to care for is huge and not something I ever pictured myself doing.
Then we began our Pockets of Change project. Oh POC, how you've changed me in so many ways...
We were staying with my Auntie Barbara in Calgary while in town for interviews for the project. She and I were in her sewing room having a nice visit while she worked on a quilt. We got to talking about motherhood and having children and all that. She said to me that if I ever decided to have children, I didn't have to be "that mom". You know the ones: the moms that are more crazy than anything, that don't listen to reason, that scream at their kids in Superstore, that baby their children until they're adults. I guess I can't sum up exactly what I mean, but the idea of "that mom" scares me.
I'm not even sure where I got the idea of "that mom" from. My mom certainly wasn't "that mom" and my close friends aren't either. But the fear of losing my own identity and becoming someone I don't recognize always scared me.
So that comment, probably seemed such a simple thing to Auntie Barbara, really got me thinking. She also said that I would be a different type of mom and that would be OK. It got me picturing myself as a mom that didn't have to conform to some mold I had in my head. And the idea that I could me a mother the way I wanted to be began the wheels churning in my head. Ever so slowly, but churning nonetheless.
I'd always thought the world was kind of a crappy place. I'd asked friends why they would want to bring children into a world that was so messed up. I dabbled with the idea of joining a group called voluntary human extinction, where we all basically agree to just stop having children as our world couldn't sustain more people.
As we traveled this last year, Justin and I both got to see first-hand how amazing this world is. There are so many incredible people in it, so many breathtaking sights, so much of hope and beauty and joy in this world. The Lord is truly the Lord over ALL this Earth, and He fills it with His beauty and love everywhere we turned.
There was also a real connection between marriage and children in other parts of the world. Even little children didn't understand when we told them we were married but had no children. Most cultures are not like ours, where women put career first, family second. Where women wait until their late 20's or 30's to have a child. Obviously, some of that is lack of birth control options and education. But still. These people seemed happy. They seemed content. Even if they had no money, no secure life, they had children and it clearly brought joy into their hearts.
So our POC travels was a big one for me in changing my heart.
I also listened to a sermon by Mark Driscoll in the summer that basically said if you're not having children, you're just being lazy. He took a good hour or so to say this and made I think some very good theological points along the way. But basically what he was saying is that the choice I'd made for my life wasn't Biblical, wasn't what God wanted for my life. That sermon stuck with me.
Then there was the Bible. Often as I opened the Word during this last year, I would find passages of scripture affirming the blessing of having children. It seemed again and again I would find reference to children being a blessing, a gift, from the Lord. We all know the Lord only gives good gifts to His children, so why would I deny a gift from my King? That makes no sense. Who does that?! It'd be like seeing a beautifully wrapped present under the tree at Christmas and telling the giver, 'no thanks, it might conflict with my life. I'm just not going to open it thanks, then I won't know what I'm missing'. Yeah. I might have a university degree but sometimes I'm not all that swift.
There's some more reasons too that worked to change my heart, but this post is waaaaay too long already. Those are definitely the big reasons. More to come in future blog posts I'm sure. Stay tuned!
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